Thursday, May 7, 2015

Throwback Thursday: Adventures in Cooking

This is a classic SAHMnambulist post from nearly five years ago, when I was pregnant with LO and J and I had just moved to Lafayette:


J and I are currently living in a POS sublet--a place that J has derisively nicknamed "The Flop House"--while we are waiting to close on our new house. This will theoretically happen on Friday, but that's another story.

The Flop House is unfurnished, and of course, the relocation benefits would not move us from our house in Columbus to a POS sublet to our new house, so we rented a U-Haul trailer hitch and brought the bare minimum for basic comfort. 
 
Of course, I've been finding over and over that I have forgotten something necessary for basic comfort. Like a spatula. I brought many things necessary for cooking, but no cooking utensils beyond the pots, pan, and baking dish I had packed. You've never really cooked breakfast until you've tried to flip an egg with no cooking spray on the frying pan (non-stick my ass) and the only utensils available to you are a fork and a knife. I like eating eggs by the individual molecule, don't you?

I did, however, bring our blender. We love smoothies for breakfast, and I figured it would do in a pinch if there was a need for a food processor, and why on earth would we need that in the 6 weeks we were in the Flop House?

Famous last words. Lafayette has a wonderful farmer's market every Saturday morning. This past Saturday, we overspent on produce because everything looked so fine. We bought gorgeous tomatoes, and I made plans for tomato-mozzarella-basil salad. We bought a bunch of fresh basil, because I had no idea that a "bunch" of basil was another word for "more basil that you can comfortably shake a stick at." The woman who bagged the basil suggested we make a big ol' batch of pesto. I haven't made pesto since I was in college, but it's delicious and we have the basil.

So, last night I made pesto. 
 
Those of you who know me recognize that patience and a methodical nature are NOT exactly my most striking qualities. I knew as I stuffed fistful after fistful of basil into the blender that this was not going to work. And yet the mad scientist child part of me just kept on stuffing, giggling madly. I threw in pine nuts, garlic (whole cloves), parmesan, and then poured a generous dollop of olive oil, figuring that might grease the blade enough to be able to handle the over-stuffing.

The blender made an unpleasant noise.

I shook the blender. Sometimes that works with smoothies.

It continued to make an unpleasant noise.

I took the top off and pushed the stuff down with a knife. Yes, the blender was still running. And yes, they are allowing me to become the mother of small child. The blender blade nicked the knife. Of course, I had used one of the fiddle head butter knives that are my favorite. See note above regarding patience and methodology.

I enlisted the help of J, a mechanical engineer. He found something flattish to push things down, and it worked.

Pesto, done! But of course, I am master chef and I am unsatisfied. The pesto just isn't smooth enough, in my humble opinion. (This coming from a woman who last made pesto literally 1 decade ago and last ate it probably 2-3 years ago. What can I say? I have an exacting nature). I add a little more oil. I start the blender running again. Of course, the pesto at the top is not coursing evenly down to be smoothed.

You can probably guess what I did next.

Back into the blender with the fiddle-head butter knife. The blade nicks the knife a few times, and then it takes matters into its own hands. Meaning, it pulls the knife out of mine. 
 
 Anyone familiar with either the laws of physics or slapstick comedy will know what happened next. The blender, wiser by far than the chef, turns itself off. But not before throwing the knife into the air, and covering the walls, ceiling, and my maternity shirt with pesto. (Of COURSE the top wasn't on the blender. Why on earth would anyone do something that intelligent?) The knife now also makes a sharp right turn at the end, which will make it convenient to butter toast around a corner.

There were no major casualties, with the possible exception of my shirt. J enjoyed making fun of me while cleaning the ceiling. Plenty of pesto was left in the blender, so we were not forced to eat it off of the flat surfaces of the kitchen.

However, an hour later we were eating salmon with pesto with a side of pesto pasta and some truly fantastic salad. J said, "Dinner is *really* good tonight. Thank you."

In cooking, the ends justify the means.
 
 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I’m Not a Terrible Mother for Leaving My Kids in the Car


It happened again this February. For the second time, after leaving my oldest son sleeping in the car while I ran a quick errand, I came back to my car to find someone waiting to shame me for being a terrible mother.

The first time it happened was nearly four years ago, when my son was nine months old. I was visiting my parents in Maryland and I volunteered to pick up dinner at a local restaurant. My son, who had not napped all day long and had slept fitfully the night before, fell asleep on the ride to the restaurant. His car seat was strapped directly into the back seat of my mother’s car, without the base I used at home, so carrying him in without waking him was not an option.

It was a lovely and mild June day. My mother had already called ahead and paid for the meals, which were waiting for me behind the counter. My son badly needed to sleep, far more than I needed the unnecessary reassurance of having him by my side. I made the decision to lock the doors, roll down the windows, and leave my baby sleeping.

Despite the fact that I knew that it was insanely unlikely that anything could or would happen to him, I was a nervous wreck for the entire ten minutes I waited in line in the restaurant.

I came back to the car to find a very angry man with a cell phone standing at the driver’s side door, threatening to call the police on me. I mumbled something about only being gone for a few minutes and high-tailed it out of there. My son slept through the whole thing.

I have left both this child and his younger brother alone in the car several times since that first incident. Every time I have left one of my kids unattended in the car, there is a reason why I decide to do so—a reason that I believe is both compelling and sufficient, and I feel perfectly confident making these decisions as my children’s mother.

But if you listen to the 24-news cycle, you will learn that many people believe that I am in the wrong by making this judgment call. I was confronted with that lesson again this winter, when my older son, who is now four years old, fell asleep in the car on the way to pick up his one-year-old brother from the YMCA daycare.

The parking lot for our Y is large and busy, and even under ideal conditions, I feel nervous about ferrying both of my boys across it by myself. Add in my cranky and sleepy 35-pound preschooler who would demand to be carried (or otherwise lie down on the ground and wail), my 20-pound one-year-old who must be carried, the baby’s lunch box and other accouterments, and the fact that I could get in and out of the Y much faster by myself, I decided to leave my son sleeping peacefully for the ten minutes it would take me to run in and run out.

Apparently, a Samaritan saw me and complained to the front desk, because on my way back out to the car, baby in tow, I was stopped by two staff members. They informed me that it was the YMCA’s policy that children cannot be left unattended in cars.

I realized after the fact that I overheard the Samaritan point me out to the staff. I must have been followed into the building.

Despite the recent attention that the Free Range parenting philosophy has gotten in the news because of cases like the Meitiv family in Montgomery County, Maryland who were found responsible for unsubstantiated child neglect and then had their children picked up and detained again for walking home alone, and Debra Harrell who was arrested for allowing her 9-year-old daughter to play unsupervised at a park, many people think that what I am doing amounts to child abuse.

Don’t you know there are predators out there? is how the thinking goes. Won’t somebody think of the CHILDREN!?

As a matter of fact, there really aren’t predators out there. Our children are enjoying the safest possible time to be alive. Crime rates are down. Mass shootings are down. Sexual abuse of children is down. You only need to look at the statistics to understand that leaving a child alone in a car while running a short errand is much safer than driving the child to the errand in the first place.

But irrational fear for our children is prevalent, and it seeps into every interaction a modern parent has.

And the thing is, fear for our children is really beside the point. Because the motivation that led to two different unpleasant altercations with strangers is not fear, but shame.

The Samaritan who was so very concerned about my son’s safety that he or she followed me into the building in order to point me out to the closest authority…left my child unattended. If a belief that my child was in actual danger had prompted the busybody’s actions, then I would have come back to the car to find him or her keeping a watchful eye for the evil man lurking in the bushes.

What both of these Samaritans have really felt was not fear for my precious boy, but righteous indignation at the evidence of my terrible motherhood.

Instead of simply watching over my sleeping 9-month-old and assuming that I must have my hands full to leave him there while I run an errand, the angry man who accosted me in Maryland wanted to make sure I knew he was watching and judging me.

And at least he stayed by my child. At the YMCA, my anonymous Samaritan made sure to tell others what I had done, rather than actually be charitable and talk to me. His or her actions were all about making sure I fall into line. The Samaritan and the staff members wanted me to feel ashamed of myself for choosing my convenience over the presumed safety of my children.

Never mind the fact that as their mother, I knew that my boys would both be much safer if I did not have to juggle two tired kids across a busy parking lot by myself.

The cliché is that it takes a village to raise a child, but I’m certainly not feeling like the member of any village. No one seems willing to lend a helping hand. They would rather call the police.

I have decided that it’s time to compel the village to step up. If my son falls asleep on the way to the YMCA again, I’m going to call the front desk and request that a staff member come out to watch my child so I do not violate their policy. If I find myself staring down an impossible parenting Catch-22, I’ll ask a bystander to be my eyes for a few minutes.

And I will also do my part. If I see a parent struggling because all her available choices are wrong, I’ll offer to watch her sleeping child or accompany her daughter to the restroom or hold her groceries or entertain her toddler. Because that’s what a village does.  

My hope is that sometime in my lifetime, Americans will remember that all of society is responsible for our children, not just parents and the authorities.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Throwback Thursday: You Can All Calm Down About Babies and Television

This piece of mine originally ran on Scary Mommy several years ago. I came across it today and wanted to share it again:


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If you listen to the American Academy of Pediatrics (motto: instilling feelings of inadequacy in parents since 1930), exposing children to television and other screen time during the first two years of life is the leading cause of bed-wetting, socialism, and letting the terrorists win. In the ideal world in which these pediatricians live, the au pair knows that she will be locked back in the dungeon if she lets little Huntington Von Blueblood IV have an inkling that televisions, computers, ipads, and smart phones even exist. But for the rest of us, saying that there should be NO television whatsoever for the first two years of life kind of misses the mark.

Rather than feel guilty for wanting to watch the game while taking care of Junior (remember: it will only scar him for life if it’s a Cubs game), you should realize that this particular pronouncement on the part of the AAP is not nearly as life-or-death as they’d like you to believe. Here are the valid(ish) reasons for why baby shouldn’t watch television, and the real-world factors that the AAP seems to be ignoring:

1. Time watching television is time baby is not doing creative play. This deserves a big, fat “So what?” Time watching television is also time that baby is not performing neurosurgery, and you don’t see anyone having a freak out about that. No one is suggesting that watching television is a creative endeavor, least of all the harried and stinky parents who can’t figure out any other way to take an uninterrupted shower. Baby can work on creating a full-scale model of the Eiffel Tower out of popsicle sticks after she’s finished watching Barney and you have finally showered away the week-old Cheeze Curlz from your hair and are able to supervise her use of the hot glue gun.

The truth is that while babies certainly need creative playtime, Mom and Dad also need some time to themselves.  A 20-minute baby-appropriate program will not eat into the lifetime of creative play available to your child.

2. Television is hypnotizing and addictive. Yes, settling baby in front of the television is just like giving her an IV drip of heroin. It’s not like you have any control over when the TV goes on and off. And for that matter, as far as I know, there is no 12-step program for adults to extricate themselves from the addictive sway of the boob tube. (“Hi, my name is Huntington, and I’m a television addict.”)

It’s true that babies can be entranced and even “hypnotized” by the pretty, flickering screen. But that is why television is such an important tool! You can turn on the hypnotizer and actually do something other than play Peek-a-Boo or don’t-touch-that-you’ll-electrocute/cut/burn-yourself for a little while. I’m not seeing the downside here.

3. Reading is more valuable than television time. Let’s say it all together: “Duh!” Not even the laziest English 101 student would claim that watching the movie version is more valuable than reading the book. Does the AAP really believe that parents are thinking that television is a reasonable substitute for reading to kids? If such parents exist, I can’t decide if they are the lazy English 101 students all grown up, or if they have just managed to avoid the Parenthood-Industrial Paranoia complex. Either way, I envy them.
If you’re deep in the grip of that Paranoia complex and it’ll make you feel better, read to baby after you turn off the TV. It’ll give him a head start on being able to say, “Oh, the book was so much better!”

4. Television can become a babysitter. This is one of parenthood’s best-kept secrets. TV makes for a great babysitter! At today’s childcare prices, it’ll be the cheapest babysitter you can find—and it won’t eat all your chips and ice cream sandwiches, to boot.

Look, using the television as babysitter only happens if you let it. And there is a measure of difference between using a short program every once in a while (even daily, gasp!) to buy yourself a little time and parking the child in front of a television with a cooler full of prepared bottles and heading out for the evening. Which, as far as I understand it, is the generally accepted definition for a babysitter.

5. TV is violent and doesn’t teach your child anything. This is only true if it’s something really worth watching. Generally, shows marketed to the under two-foot-tall set do not fit this bill. While your 7-month-old is probably too young for the violence of the Saturday morning cartoon line up, let alone the shows that you’d prefer to be watching, remember that TV executives know there are babies watching and several channels offer programs geared to your child’s age and abilities. These programs are almost entirely educational in nature, giving your baby a chance to learn letters, numbers, shapes, colors, and music.  If Game of Thrones were that educational for adults, your IQ would go up once a week.

There are many reasons why I may feel like a bad mother on any given day. But letting my sons watch television is not one of them. Just because LO has an easier time identifying the most obscure of the Octonauts than his out of town cousins does not mean that he’ll be stunted for life. The AAP’s recommendation allows for no nuance or gray areas or sanity savers.  In trying to combat parents who do use the television inappropriately, pediatricians have made all of us feel guilty.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Meet Me in St Louis

Earlier this winter, I was approached by St. Louis-based The Chad Slagle Show about doing a phone-interview guest spot for their television show.

I happen to know that St. Louis is a mere four-hour drive away, so I offered to come do the spot on the air.

"Uh," was their first response. "Do you really want to drive all that way for a 15 minute interview?"

Why yes, yes I did.

Not only would this provide me a media clip, but it also meant that I could go to St. Louis and indulge my love of barbecue and giant arches.

Also, the kids thought it was the bees' knees.

I'll post my clip (provided I don't discover that I had spinach in my teeth) once I get it from the nice folks at The Chad Slagle Show (both of whom are named Chad).

Until then, here are some pictures of our adventures:

At the St. Louis Zoo:

It's true: Hippos are assholes.


Elephants...Yawn.
At the City Museum:
I'm not sure about this.
Seriously, Mom, this is sketchy.




At the Arch:
My favorite thing about this is the fact that they took our photo in front of a bare concrete wall. Of course, then I bought the concrete wall photo for 22 bucks, because I am a finance expert.
At a random local playground near our AirBnB rental:

That's LO's yo-yo by the way, which he insisted on bringing with us. Anytime I offered to roll up the string and put it in his pocket, he looked at me as if I were crazy.


A good time was had by all.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

This Must Be the Place

I've been having a tough time lately.

I'm behind on a deadline and feeling like the worst kind of incompetent. (And of course, updating my personal blog does. not. help.)

BB is at the same age LO was when his sleep problems became their worst, and the little guy is following in his big brother's footsteps. He needs to snuggle with me to sleep, but he's restless and keeps me awake. If I try to leave him in his own bed or to snuggle with J, he cries, the dog howls, and everyone is awake. Each night, I'm faced with the choice of me not sleeping or no one sleeping. I don't sleep either way.

LO and BB have discovered sibling rivalry. These two boys really love each other, but when one is on my lap, the other must be there, too. One gets a granola bar, the other wants one. Toys that were otherwise unnoticed become objects of squealing/wrestling matches simply because the other has it. It's nothing unexpected--siblings have been squabbling ever since the concept of siblinghood was invented--but that doesn't make it any easier to listen to/referee/patch up.

All of this together (but mostly the sleep deprivation) has made me much less patient, especially with J. I pick apart every flaw in my head, and wonder why it all has to be so hard.

When I feel this way, I put on Talking Heads's "This Must Be the Place"
Aside from the music, which always makes me want to dance, I love the lyrics of this song because it reminds me of the messy joy of family:

And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love


and:

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there...

Did I find you, or you find me?

but especially:

Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead


This moment that I'm living in right now will pass. I will get my book done. BB will start letting me sleep. The boys will grow. I will once again find my patience.

But I don't want to will the end of this moment, difficult as it is. Yes, I may daydream about going on the lam--some sort of Mommy relocation program that will allow me to start over in a new community where sleep is plentiful and I did not just wipe the snot off my four-year-old's nose with my sleeve and continue to wear the shirt for the rest of the day.

I recognize that this difficult moment is all part of the tapestry of our place, the space we are sharing for a minute or two before the inevitable time when the boys are grown. And through this difficult moment, and all the lovely ones, and on and on until my heart stops, J and LO and BB will love me. They may try my patience and the limits of caffeine's power, but I wouldn't choose to be in this place with anyone else.





That said, I'd really like to get some sleep.


Tuesday, November 25, 2014

10 Ways I Am Trying to Raise White Male Allies

After the expected but disheartening news that Officer Darren Wilson will not be indicted in the death of Michael Brown, a friend reposted this article from August on 12 Things White People Can Do Now in Reaction to Ferguson.

Upon thinking about this, I've decided that I would like to add some things white parents can do to help raise allies. Because unless and until America as a whole is willing to stop and look long and hard at our ugly ugly history, improvement will be incremental at best and we can expect nothing better than each generation doing slightly better than the one before. Knowing this, I want to be intentional in raising my kids to be both feminists and black allies.


These are 10 things that I do or plan to do to that end:

1. I have taught LO the word "agency" and I try to use it regularly.
Whether he is being too rough with our dog or is trying to hug his little brother when BB wants none of it, when I correct LO's behavior I try to explain that the object of his affection also has agency. I want LO to grow up with the understanding everyone has the right to their own body, and that right trumps LO's wants.
2. I talk openly about race.
Several years ago, I read the book Nurtureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. One of the important points they talked about was the fact that our kids are sponges. They see that race makes us uncomfortable, and since we don't talk openly about it, they draw their own conclusions. And generally that means they internalize racist attitudes because we don't shine a light on those attitudes in our society and ourselves.
Talking openly about race is SO HARD. As is the case for many whites who are nervous about being allies, I am afraid of causing offense or saying something insensitive or being clueless. But it's much better for my sons to see me say that I'm uncomfortable because of those things, and that I am willing to apologize and listen when I am wrong, than for me to remain silent and have them learn only from my silence.
3. I let my boys watch The Daily Show, John Oliver, and other media dealing with issues of race and gender with me.
There is a part of me that is ridiculously pleased that LO knows Jon Stewart's name. And that's not just because Jon Stewart is one of my heroes for consistently calling out hypocrisy. I'm also pleased that LO likes to watch my shows with me because I know that he is being exposed to the issues that I care deeply about.
This might be a controversial parenting decision, considering the adult language and jokes on The Daily Show. But I don't have an issue with my children hearing salty language, and I know that the jokes sail over their heads. What I know my child is seeing when he watches this kind of media with me is that I care deeply about speaking truth to power.
4. I let my boys see my reaction to current events.
On the day that Robin Williams died, I cried in front of LO and told him that I was grateful for a very sweet and funny man.
As I have rewritten a great deal of my childhood over the past month because Bill Cosby is not the man we all thought he was, I have let LO see that I am upset. He does not know more than the fact that a man I admired has disappointed me, but he does know it has made me sad.
In the aftermath of Michael Brown's death, I would tell LO when he asked that I was sad because something unjust had happened.
My little boy is four years old and I tailor my explanations to his ability to understand. But I don't protect him from my shock, sadness, and anger as terrible things happen in the world. He needs to know that injustice and violence affect all of us.
5. I apologize to LO and BB when I am wrong.
This Sunday, I overslept and had to hurry to get to our Temple's Religious School (which I teach and LO attends) on time. LO was in a bad mood and threw a tantrum when I tried to get his coat on. I don't deal well with time crunches, and I yelled at him.
In the car, after I had calmed down, I apologized to LO for yelling. He told me he really does not like the yelling, which of course pierced my heart. I asked him if we could work on it together. He tearfully agreed.
Not only do LO and BB need to see that I am fallible, but they need to understand that everyone is fallible. Being able to apologize when you are wrong is an important and difficult-to-master skill, particularly when coming to the understanding that you were wrong is painful. It's much easier to double down on your wrongness. I want LO to learn to listen when he is wrong, so I am trying to model that behavior.
6. I proudly call myself a feminist.
This is both easy and hard for me. I am happy to self-identify as a feminist. But I am also loathe to bring attention to myself in public.
For instance, I worked as a volunteer at Planned Parenthood when I was in high school (a fact which I often keep to myself, even though I'm proud of it and it was a wonderfully eye-opening experience.) The workers there once gave me a tee-shirt with Rebecca West's quotation: "People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat." I never wore it for fear of being called on it in public, even though I believed it whole-heartedly.
In our home, I call myself a feminist. I am working on doing so in public, as well. If I want LO and BB to self-identify as feminists and allies, that's what I have to do.
7. I tell the boys what I am grateful for every night.
As Janee Woods points out in the article that inspired this one, the twin pillar of racism is economic injustice. (And I would opine that financial abuse on both the micro and the macro scale is one method of keeping women submissive.)
I personally feel that the opposite of economic injustice is gratitude. When those of us who have plenty recognize our plenty and are grateful for all the goodness in our lives, we can let go of any resentment we might feel about how much others are receiving. Those who are angriest about the poor collecting government benefits or earning higher minimum wages are often afraid that they personally will have less if others get more. The only way to recognize the fact that economic justice is not a zero-sum game is to stop comparing. Being thankful for what you have brings serenity for yourself and allows you to be more compassionate to others.
For that and other reasons, part of my bedtime routine with the boys is telling them three things for which I am grateful every. single. day.
8. I (try to) listen when LO is sad.
While I love the Reasons My Kid is Crying blog, and I enjoy the absurdity of what can throw a small child into an existential-level nuclear tantrum, I also try very hard to remember that my sons' feelings are valid and should be listened to. His feelings matter, even if he's mad because the dog just ate the food he held out to him.
Just because a child's world and interests are different from an adult's does not make that world and those interests invalid. Learning that they are welcome to feel their feelings will help LO and BB understand that no one's feelings should be belittled.
9. I will teach LO and BB our full cultural heritage.
As is common in Jewish tradition, both LO and BB are named after relatives who have passed away. BB's middle name also commemorates an important Jewish engineer who was the father of the Corvette. I love this naming tradition, because a child's very name is the beginning of the story of their heritage.
But in addition to the lovely stories from our family and cultural heritage, I will be sure to teach the boys about unpleasant aspects of our family history, our religious history, and our American history. As with current events, I will tailor these lessons to the kids' ability to understand and take in. But I want them to know the full story of how they came to be living in the world we inhabit.
 10. I try to be the best person I can be.
J and I are the boys' first teachers. They will learn more from us than from anything or anyone else. And what they are learning--from every interaction and every observation--is how to be an adult in this world. Though I fail often, I want to be a mensch in all things. I hope to provide an example to my kids in how to be a good person who is compassionate, strong, committed to justice, and able to look at ugliness without flinching.
These are just the strategies that I have come up with. What have I missed?

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Whatever Happened to Cliff Huxtable?

When I was between the ages of about 5 and 7, one of my favorite things to do on rainy days was to ride my bicycle in circles around my father's apartment while listening to some of Dad's comedy records. While part of me can't believe Dad let me do this (although I understand anything that keeps a kid occupied and out of your hair on a weekend is a good thing), I mostly have nothing but pleasant memories of this circular pastime.

Dad owned several comedy records. It was from him that I learned my love of standup. I remember listening to George Carlin (again, I can't believe he let me do that!) and Steve Martin. But by far, my favorite comedian was Bill Cosby.

Like many an 80s kid, I saw Cosby as a kind of additional dad. His humor, his clean non-cursing curses, and his slightly patronizing demeanor were all dad-like, and my own father and I would laugh together over his descriptions of chocolate cake for breakfast and thinking his name was Jesus Christ.

But Bill Cosby wasn't just a standup. He was Fat Albert, too. And he drew the Picture Pages--the theme to which I can still sing despite not having thought about it in 25 years.

Mostly, though Bill Cosby was Cliff Huxtable. The every-father in the 80s. Rudy's dad and Elvin's father-in-law and Theo's dad and Clair's husband and Russell's son. He was part of the family I grew up with in 30-minute installments once a week. I can recall his living room more clearly than I can remember details of the apartment I once rode a bicycle around in endless circles.

I know that Cliff Huxtable is fictional.

What I now realize is that Bill Cosby is, too.

The man I thought I knew--the one who loves children and pokes fun at himself and works tirelessly to improve the image of blacks in America and tells charming stories about childbirth and sledding and exacting revenge with a snowball--he was a carefully constructed fiction. Nothing more than a mask.

Underneath that lovely every-dad visage lies a monster.

***

I had heard the allegations about Cosby for years.

In 1997, not long after his son Ennis was tragically murdered, a woman named Autumn Jackson extorted Cosby for money, claiming to be his daughter. She was not, although he had had an affair with Jackson's mother. 18-year-old me was non-plussed that my fictional TV dad had cheated on his beautiful wife (who I imagined as looking like Phylicia Rashad since I had never seen a picture of her.) But I was mostly disgusted with Jackson for trying to extort a great man who was in the midst of a terrible grief.

In 2005, I learned as little as I could about Andrea Constand and her allegations of rape. I didn't want to know. Plugging my ears and singing was easier than looking underneath the every-dad mask.

In 2005, I changed the channel when Tamara Green went on The Today Show and claimed that Cosby drugged her and sexually assaulted her years before I was born. I was too much of a feminist to say (even to myself) that clearly these women were just trying to bring down a titan of our times. I would never say that or even think it. But this was my TV dad they were talking about! It was easier to just let the information quietly slip out of my head.

Now it is 2014, and there is no denying the awful truth: my beloved fictional dad is a rapist.

I have read Barbara Bowman's piece for The Washington Post. I have heard Cosby's refusal to engage with questions about the allegations. I have seen the Cliff Huxtable mask fall to the floor, and I am heartbroken.

***

When Robin Williams committed suicide back in August, I was overwhelmed to learn of his clay feet. Learning of the devastating strength of his depression, in a man so capable of giving joy to others, was a terrible lesson for all of us. I mourned for him, even though I never knew him.

But.

But!

Mr. Williams' clay feet hurt no one but himself. He lived and died gently, angry at himself but loving toward others. I can remember him fondly and be thankful for his life and legacy. His memory will always be a blessing.

Bill Cosby, on the other hand, lied to me. He lied to all of us. He created a false face of gentleness. A loving and lovable image of what a perfect father should be--when underneath there is something wrong with him that allows him to believe he has the right to women's bodies.

I am so sad and so angry. Although the violation against me and all the other individuals who loved the Cliff Huxtable face is nothing compared to the violations he committed against the dozen plus women who have come forward, I still feel incredibly betrayed.

My memories are tainted now. Many of those memories include my real dad who is gone and unable to make new ones with me. And I can't apologize to the man who I might have sometimes wished was more like Cliff Huxtable.

Dad was the real deal, through and through. Bill Cosby just has excellent makeup.

I circle around and around this issue, wishing I could apologize to the women Cosby assaulted for my part in ignoring their plight.

I'm sorry I held onto Cliff Huxtable for so long. He was such a lovely dream.