Tuesday, September 27, 2011

This Is Sleep Jeopardy!

"I'm not sleepy!...zzz"

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, and welcome to Sleep Jeopardy! Let's meet our three contestants:

EGB is a stay-at-home-mom and would-be writer who is desperate for some shut-eye. When not walking around in a caffeine-soaked haze, Ms. GB is alternately irritable and weepy, leaving a trail of bitten off heads and damp handkerchiefs in her wake. Sounds like a real peach! Tell us, EGB, are you excited to be playing Sleep Jeopardy?

Me: Please, just a few uninterrupted hours. I'll pay anything!

ANNOUNCER: Ha ha! And here is our second contestant. JB is a mechanical engineer and silly dad who has been buying stock in Dunkin' Donuts coffee. And Starbucks. And Einstein Brothers coffee. And Coca-Cola. You get my drift. Mr. B is the strong, silent and stoic sleepless type weathering the sleep-related emotional changes in the B household with remarkable serenity. How are you handling having your wife change moods on a dime?

J: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

ANNOUNCER: What diplomacy! That brings us to our third contestant and the reigning champion of Sleep Jeopardy, young LO! LO is a toy-enthusiast and dog-lover who likes long crawls on the living room floor and moonlit nursing sessions. LO has won Sleep Jeopardy every night for nearly 13 months. Tell us, young man, how does it feel to carry such an incredible streak?

LO: I'm in it to win it, Bob! I know I can keep this streak going until college!

ANNOUNCER: Great attitude!

Me: [silently weeping]

J: [heavy sigh]

ANNOUNCER: All right, are we ready to play? To start, I need each of my contestants to remind our audience what they are playing for. EGB?

Me: I want the most sleep for the most members of the family.

ANNOUNCER: An admirable goal. Too bad you're doomed to failure. J?

J: I want to be functional at work.

ANNOUNCER: Seems reasonable--if you were childless! And that brings us to LO. What is your goal?

LO: No idea!

ANNOUNCER: That's the kind of can-do sleep goal that will keep you winning. All right, let's spin the big wheel of sleep options.
LO: Come on, big money, big money! No Whammies!

ANNOUNCER: And I see we have lit on co-sleeping all night. LO, tell us how that will go.

LO: Well, Mom will be so tired from 390 straight nights of not great sleep that she will fall asleep fully clothed and without brushing her teeth while nursing me to sleep. Around 1:30 am, I will start my nightly routine of nursing for 0.0048 seconds then unlatching and crying while kicking Mom repeatedly so that she starts crying in frustration loudly enough to wake Daddy. When she attempts to put me in my crib, I will emit shrieks loud enough to wake people who haven't been born yet. This will go on for approximately 5 hours until Dad's alarm goes off.

ANNOUNCER: Expertly played, LO. Machiavellian, in fact. Let's spin again. We have LO in his crib all night. Tell us, how will that night of sleeplessness play out?

LO: I'll go down to sleep easily enough. I don't want Mom and Dad to sell me to the elves, you know. But somewhere between 10 and midnight I'll wake up screaming. Mom will be able to rock me back to sleep, until I start screaming again. After several repeats of this, Dad will encourage Mom to put in earplugs and go to sleep, but I know it's only a matter of time before she comes to get me again. Advantage LO!

ANNOUNCER: Truly, LO, you are a master at this game. We have our final spin. And it looks like EGB will be moving to South America and sleeping on the plane. LO, it seems you have been outmaneuvered! EGB, what do you say? It sounds like you'll finally get some sleep.

Me and J: Zzzzzzz...

ANNOUNCER: And that's all the time we have! As a thank you for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts. For EGB, a matched set of under-eye bags. Looks like you're all set for travel, EGB! For J, we have this handsome case of low-level fatigue. I'm sure that will come in handy at the office! And for our reigning champion, LO, we offer you the ability to sleep anywhere! Plus this dinette set.

LO: Bob, I'm so excited!!

ANNOUNCER: Thank you, and we'll see all three of you again tonight for our next round of Sleep Jeopardy!

Promotional considerations provided by: 40 winks, the letter Z and Double Time Candles--the only candles you can burn at both ends.


  1. hahahahaha! That is hilarious! My kids are 2 and 4 now so we're doing better now- but I remember sobbing about just wanting just one, just one complete REM cycle. Just one. :)

  2. This is FUNNY! And oh so true. I remember those nights. Gas, colic or just plain atubborness. Thank you for making me remember them and yet giggle!

  3. Wow. My oldest would have been 43, and I STILL remember those nights!