Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I feel ridiculous walking lately. It's more of a controlled fall, where the BELLY leads and the rest of my body passively follows. While I certainly know that I'm pregnant and feel pregnant and LO kicks all the time and everything, I can actively forget for hours at a time that my body looks/reacts any differently than it always has. It's as if I'm a goldfish and the giant beach ball I'm wearing under my shirt is a surprise every time.

This can lead to some rather awkward moments. Like when the guy behind the counter at the bakery asked me how much longer (in those exact words) and I had no idea what he was talking about. How much longer until I ordered? How much longer in the line I was waiting in? I answered the first question, and then was terribly embarrassed when he rephrased the question and J gave me a "My wife used to be smart" look.

I'm really not an idiot! I just still feel like me, and for the vast majority of my life, I will not be visibly preggo. Nor will my center of gravity be where it is.

I guess in some ways I have become used to the BELLY. I now consider my options before picking things up off the floor. (Money--worth my time. And I might be able to get it with my toes. Lint or cat hair tumbleweed that needs to be cleaned up--that can stay put and I'll just keep my eyes level). I don't even try to pick up heavy objects, and heavy has come to mean something different than it used to. This has less to do with my fear of straining something and more to do with the lack of available body surface area for resting said heavy object while carrying it. I used to have hips for that. Well, I still have them, but they have been overshadowed by the BELLY.

(And believe me, I always thought that if any body part would require all caps, it would be the HIPS. Oh, how little I knew! They ain't nothing but my hips.)

In some ways it's kind of awe-inspiring. My body can do all this stretching and moving and expanding. Neat! In other ways, it feels as if I have stumbled upon a strange type of elephantitis. Nothing about this can possibly be natural!

Months ago, I remarked to a friend that I was really looking forward to when I would be showing, because then it would feel real. She told me to enjoy the ride, wherever I was. That's the advice I've been receiving my whole life. I am consistently looking forward to the next thing, and neglecting to enjoy the place where I am. It's good to know this about myself, and it's nearly impossible to change. I want to enjoy the BELLY and be mindful of where I am. I am grateful, truly. I just either forget about the BELLY, or I find myself unable to do something that used to be second nature. (Like, oh, sleep).

So, to the BELLY, I just want you to know--I am so glad to be going through this with you. I just sometimes completely forget about you. Or I have trouble remembering that not being able to do stuff is a minor annoyance in the scheme of things. So, if you'll forgive me my lack of mindfulness, I'll forgive you the waddle.

Because, dude--it wasn't like I was particularly graceful prior to the BELLY.

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