A Typical Night

9:27 p.m. I announce my intention of taking a shower and going to bed.
9:28 p.m. LO announces his intention of having another meal, despite the fact that he wrapped up second dinner less than an hour before.  (By the way, I would like to add some new meal names to the pantheon of food.  With LO eating 8-12 times a day, it's hard to describe what it is he's eating except to call things second and third breakfast, lunch, brunch, high tea, elevenses, dinner, supper, midnight snack, etc.  I'm running out of meal labels).
10: 31 p.m. LO finishes third dinner (or first midnight snack, depending on how you're counting) and seems to be completely asleep.  I place him in his bassinet
10:31 p.m. and 20 seconds  LO wakes up screaming.
10:32 p.m. J bounces LO on his knee without completely waking up and I jump in the shower.
11:00 p.m.  LO has finished screaming, but he is awake, alert, aware, and completely disinterested in being in his bassinet.  I doze off with him cradled to my chest.
11:57 p.m. I wake up when LO pees through his improperly attached diaper and covers me and himself (but not the sheets, thank goodness) with urine.
12:14 a.m.  After changing LO's diaper, his onesie and my sleep shirt, LO indicates that now would be a dandy time for me to reopen Mom's Kitchen.
12:16 a.m.  LO dozes off while eating.
12:18 a.m.  NO, LO IS NOT INTERESTED IN GOING BACK IN HIS BASSINET.  HE'S STILL HUNGRY!
12:31 a.m.  Fool me once, your fault.  Fool me twice, my fault.  LO has fallen asleep with his mouth full again, but I know he's not done.  I start playing solitaire on my ipod while I wait for him to wake up enough to resume whatever meal this is.
1:14 a.m.  LO falls asleep cradled to my chest.  Trying to place him in the bassinet is like defusing a bomb. I don't have that kind of patience, so I let him sleep on me.
1:47 a.m.  There must be something defective about these damn diapers.  He pees through it again, again soaking himself and me (and again avoiding the sheets--someone somewhere is aware of what I have the patience for in the middle of the night).  For those of you keeping score at home, he's now in his third onesie of the night and I'm in my third sleep shirt.
2:00 a.m.  "Mom, as long as we're both up, can you fix me something to eat?"
4:30 a.m.  I wake up feeling refreshed and alert.  (Ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha).  LO's interested in early breakfast.  Apparently two hours is too long for the production side of Mom's Kitchen, because the second course insists on arriving at the table before LO has finished his first course.  We are both soaked, yet again.  I'm out of sleep shirts.  LO's out of onesies (or at least, onesies that I know how to find at sleep deprived 0Dark:00).  Once he's drunk himself into a stupor, I decide to strip him down to his diaper and swaddle him in a receiving blanket.  I figure I'm tired enough to just continue sleeping in soaked sleep shirt.
6:15 a.m. J's alarm goes off.
6:20 a.m. The snooze button does not give anyone enough time to snooze.
6:25 a.m. Seriously, aren't you supposed to have nine minutes per snooze?
6:30 a.m. J manages to prop himself upright enough to pull on work clothes.  He kisses me and LO, then stumbles down the stairs in the direction of the promise of coffee.
8:14 a.m.  "Mom, it's time for breakfast.  Mom?  Mom?  Can't you see how cute and hungry I am?"
9:27 a.m.  I hug the wall as I head down the stairs, and wonder if my day will start without me.  I'll catch up with it later.