Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Snark

"Sweetie, you canNOT pull that outfit off!"

I like to think of myself as a nice person. But lingering, just under the surface, is a terrible snarky bitch who is just waiting for me to be the slightest bit overtired to come raging into the fore.

For example, while I was running my 2.5 miles this morning on the Y's treadmill, a woman hopped onto the treadmill to my left, which sadly put her upwind of me. I was personally perspiring like a wildebeest in heat and emitting sounds like those you might expect to hear from a stroke victim, and yet my inner Snark was able to push through the running exhaustion to exclaim (just to me, thankfully): "Ugh! Deodorant much?"

This is not the polite and understanding person I was raised to be. And I can't seem to get the snark back in her cage while I'm also suffering from sleep deprivation.

Last week, while dealing with the bank that now holds my student loans and is being assholic about it, I entered into the Snark dance that I sometimes follow when I am attempting to hold back the Snark while at the same time wanting to indulge her. This bank has taken over my loan and has informed me that my minimum payment has changed and there's a great deal of red tape I need to go through in order to change it back. I found myself saying things like:

"I know this isn't your personal fault, but that's a huge load of BS!"


"I can't believe this is so effed up!...I'm sorry to yell at you."

It reminds me of the way Southern women can get away with saying anything as long as their voice is sweet and they end with "bless her heart!" Like so:

"She's still carrying too much baby weight to wear a dress like that, bless her heart!"


"She's such a little whore, bless her heart!"

or even

"I hate that evil bitch, bless her heart!"

For me, other than the Snark dance that I engage in with faceless corporate toadies when they deserve it (and sometimes not, just because I can get away with being rude to someone I will never see--take note, enormous corporations with impossible-to-use customer service lines!), I would prefer to have my Snark remain under the surface. I'm much happier when I'm not having snarky thoughts all the time. Either that, or I bury that Snark really really well when I'm not sleep deprived.

So, if I say something cutting to you, just bless my heart. I'll know exactly what you mean.

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