Saturday, September 7, 2013

Notice to Quit Tenancy

Dear Thing 2,
You are hereby notified that your tenancy is ended effective September 14, 2013. You are requested to quit, vacate, and deliver possession therefore to the landlady/owner of the rental body (henceforth known as Mom, of Lafayette, Indiana) no later than September 28, 2013. If you have not voluntarily vacated Mom within the time frame requested, you will be induced to move by Mom's agent, the midwife.

This notice to vacate is due to the following reasons:

  • Delinquency of payments--including both rent and portion of payment for communal food.
  • Damage beyond normal wear and tear to property. These include but are not limited to: redirection of esophageal plumbing, unneeded padding, cosmetic skin damage, hormone imbalance, repeated vandalism of the rental property's internal thermostat, and destruction to furniture.
  • Violation of quiet hours (10 pm to 6 am daily).
Once you and your items (including, but not limited to, placenta, water and cord) have vacated the premises, Mom and fellow landlord Dad have agreed to provide you with alternative lodging until (and perhaps beyond) the year 2031. (For your information, the previous tenant, LO, has found these alternative lodgings to be more than adequate for his current needs.)

Mom, Dad, LO, and their agents wish you the best of luck as you quit your current living quarters, and respectfully request that you leave the rental body in much the same condition in which you found it.

The Landlady

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