Thursday, January 8, 2015

This Must Be the Place

I've been having a tough time lately.

I'm behind on a deadline and feeling like the worst kind of incompetent. (And of course, updating my personal blog does. not. help.)

BB is at the same age LO was when his sleep problems became their worst, and the little guy is following in his big brother's footsteps. He needs to snuggle with me to sleep, but he's restless and keeps me awake. If I try to leave him in his own bed or to snuggle with J, he cries, the dog howls, and everyone is awake. Each night, I'm faced with the choice of me not sleeping or no one sleeping. I don't sleep either way.

LO and BB have discovered sibling rivalry. These two boys really love each other, but when one is on my lap, the other must be there, too. One gets a granola bar, the other wants one. Toys that were otherwise unnoticed become objects of squealing/wrestling matches simply because the other has it. It's nothing unexpected--siblings have been squabbling ever since the concept of siblinghood was invented--but that doesn't make it any easier to listen to/referee/patch up.

All of this together (but mostly the sleep deprivation) has made me much less patient, especially with J. I pick apart every flaw in my head, and wonder why it all has to be so hard.

When I feel this way, I put on Talking Heads's "This Must Be the Place"
Aside from the music, which always makes me want to dance, I love the lyrics of this song because it reminds me of the messy joy of family:

And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love


Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there...

Did I find you, or you find me?

but especially:

Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead

This moment that I'm living in right now will pass. I will get my book done. BB will start letting me sleep. The boys will grow. I will once again find my patience.

But I don't want to will the end of this moment, difficult as it is. Yes, I may daydream about going on the lam--some sort of Mommy relocation program that will allow me to start over in a new community where sleep is plentiful and I did not just wipe the snot off my four-year-old's nose with my sleeve and continue to wear the shirt for the rest of the day.

I recognize that this difficult moment is all part of the tapestry of our place, the space we are sharing for a minute or two before the inevitable time when the boys are grown. And through this difficult moment, and all the lovely ones, and on and on until my heart stops, J and LO and BB will love me. They may try my patience and the limits of caffeine's power, but I wouldn't choose to be in this place with anyone else.

That said, I'd really like to get some sleep.

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